i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
