i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
