Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
