how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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