I am spending my child support on dildos
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
