He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
