I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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