Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
