I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
