my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
