I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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