i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
