Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
