Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Farmville is her only friend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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