"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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