you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
