So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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