i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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