I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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