Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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