dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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