Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Houston, we have a squirter
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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