You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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