I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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