No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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