I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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