I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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