nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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