you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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