I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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