can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
