I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
