If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
