i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
lets start a swedish sibling band together
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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