Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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