just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
