guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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