I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
