im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
