I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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