he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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