i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
