is your mom at the bar?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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