Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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