girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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