call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
