im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
did i walk over a car last night?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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