why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm bleeding and have questions
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
