I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Man, jail baloney is awful.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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