But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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