Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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