im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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